so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
