my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
