Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
