I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
