Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
