Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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