he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
