At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
