Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
