Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
