No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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