Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
