I murdered the dance floor call the cops
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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