im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
