I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Two words: blizzard sex
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
