I will die if light touches me.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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