I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
