Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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