i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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