Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
