some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
