It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
