so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
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My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
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I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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