Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Randomize
