What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
