im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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