You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
