I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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