The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
