A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
