i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
