I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
