I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
