a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
