Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
