My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she told me i tasted like america
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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