i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.