my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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