so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
