I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
