Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
