My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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