i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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