I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
