I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
