You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
