I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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