everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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