my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Congratulations! We have a period
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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