3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
