don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
