How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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