They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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