So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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