I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
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My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
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My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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