I didn't shave. On purpose
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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