I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
