My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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