census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
