last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
