I wannas sexs uuuuu
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
